Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Your honor these allegations are
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.