Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth