Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
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When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
WTF
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore