if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Lassie, get help!
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life