“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
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[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.