DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
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[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place