[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway