Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts