Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
It’s the weekend y’all
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…