I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.