It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.