Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
You Might Also Like
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
checking out some reviews of my local library
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also