“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
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Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?