Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious