What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 馃幍JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
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[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don鈥檛
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I鈥檓 innocent and you won鈥檛 believe why! click here
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
If it鈥檚 dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
no
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who鈥檚 on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That鈥檚 what we’re here for.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they鈥檙e for yardwork
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I created you as mosquito food.