My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
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Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.