Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
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The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.