Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
File under excellent bookstore names.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street