A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.