I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak