My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
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St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Don’t forget to tip your server
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.