You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
m’lady
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
when u come home smelling like another dog
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Wait a minute…
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”