OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
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Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.