“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
You Might Also Like
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?