My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
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Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I see your IQ test came back negative
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.