and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
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Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
The two types of wives
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.