Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
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Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
How dude HOW?!
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.