If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
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Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My Guy
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
crazy
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me trying to walk in a dream
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.