As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
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Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!