I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
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*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
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~Cats, apparently.
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*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
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Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy