Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Confused owl: What?!
Challenge accepted.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder