MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
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We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.