Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger