I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
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I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans: