My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
You Might Also Like
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
rapatouille