Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
car not found
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
She:Hey,Whats up?
Me:Onion prices.
S:You know what I mean,like What’s crackin’?
M:Nutshells.
S:Really?Fine.What’s poppin?
M:Corn.
*Blocked*
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok