The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
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*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
#oldknees
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!