*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
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馃檮
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i鈥檓 half Puerto Rican.
Mmmm canned fish.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 馃槄
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don鈥檛 know), what they do for a living (I don鈥檛 know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps