The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much