How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
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I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.