I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
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ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
the official breakfast of 2021
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
How about I get 100% off by already being there
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
cyclists
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you