Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
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”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.