I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
You Might Also Like
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
My dating profile:
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.