Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
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I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.