When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
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Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.