This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
the composer
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot