a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
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me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!