I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.