REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
When I said I liked it rough.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.