Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
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Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.